Be Kind To Yourself, First.

It sounds easy doesn't it? Being kind to yourself.
But it really isn't. You think its something that comes naturally to us as humans to think about our self before anyone else but really we find it extremely difficult.
We go about life trying to please every single person around us that we forget to please ourselves and we lose ourselves for a minute.
Its really hard being selfish, its not like you should be selfish all the time but when it comes down to your own well being and happiness then its vital that you put yourself first.

If you're not in love with yourself first then how are you ever going to love someone to the extent that you need?
Think about that for a second.. I don't mean being so wrapped up in yourself that you become a self centred twat. I mean the small things like just waking up and thinking to yourself " Yeah, I like who I am today". Something so simple can be such an impossible task for most people and how bloody sad is that.
I'm not going to say that I find it easy to find the things I love about myself, I find it hard I really do. For years I've struggled liking myself on the outside which sadly, what young adult hasn't felt negative about the way they look physically? Which on its own is a shitty thing isn't it.
I've mostly quite liked the person I am inside, I mean there's things I could massively improve on of course but then who doesn't have flaws. We are constantly growing and forming into something new everyday, we see and hear and feel things that change us as people in every breathing minute.
Something that felt right yesterday might not feel right today, something that you hated months ago might bring you so much life today. Something that broke you inside might make you feel empowered and brave. Something you deal with on a daily basis might beat you down and down but as soon as you feel a sudden sense of strength you heal again.

The word 'selfish' is always perceived as a negative thing. I don't think being selfish in this sense is negative at all. How can you expect to be happy with your life if you're not even happy within yourself.
If something isn't sitting right in your head, chances are it isn't right. Chances are that you need to listen to those little niggly thoughts that pop up or the alarm bells that deafen you at night time and do something about it.
If you hate your job, leave it. If you're not in love, leave it. If you've been eyeing up a destination to explore then go there. And most importantly if you've been eyeing up that top in the shop window then bloody well treat yourself.

Practicing self love can feel really silly at the start, if its something you're not used to doing. I mean if someone told you to stand butt naked in front of a full length mirror and said to say out loud to yourself what you loved about your body, you'd probably feel slightly awkward right?
But it doesn't have to be awkward like that, you can just lay there in bed for a moment just before you get yourself up and just think to yourself something positive about the person you are. It sounds so cringe but I think its massively important.
Even though I've not been feeling the most positive over the last couple of weeks, I have been looking at myself in the huge scary full length mirror before I have my daily lush bath and pointing out things on my body that I like. And as a girl, a young woman that used to be afraid to look in the mirror, I think that's a huge thing for me, personally.

We go about our lives not just as one person but as several. You're not just you. You're a son, daughter, mother, father, auntie, friend, lover, ex, employee, carer, advisor.
You are SO many people in one single body. But as you play all these roles to the people around you, do you ever think to yourself... "Where am I in all of this"
I think you can get so caught up in playing the roles that you've adopted within your lives that you forget that single most important thing, which is you.

Life likes to throw spanners in the works, sometimes if you're really lucky you get the odd sledgehammer thrown your way too.
And even if it feels like the world is doing its absolute best at testing the waters, testing your patience and your emotional stamina, just don't forget that you are amazing in your own individual way. You make people smile, you make people feel good by just being you.
Give yourself a break if you're feeling like you've lost your way a little, it's ok to give yourself time every once in a while.

Because you're doing just fine.


Passenger - The Long Road.            A song for a traveller.

Cloudy Thoughts

Okay, so slightly different this time round. More of a blog post on me waffling things that have crossed my mind recently, not really sat down and planned this one at all. Not that I hugely plan what I write on here as I'm sure you'd be able to tell with by the extreme lack of correct grammar and spelling.
I was just walking home from work today and I saw this massive cloud right in front of me. Like it was huge, it had such a presence and I just stopped and looked at it for a minute and took multiple pictures and snap chats of it. Weird how a cloud made me think "Right, lets write a blog post tonight". Alright well not just the cloud but things have been happening recently which has just left me thinking "Hmmmm" quite a few times.

So the cloud made me think that, despite all the silly stuff we stress and think about in every day to day life, we are so stupidly small on this planet compared to what is around us. It just made me put a few things into perspective, like that our 'problems' that seem like the end of the entire world are just miniscule compared to the shear volume of things in the world. That sounds so deep, I'm literally just typing, this probably makes no sense what so ever but we'll roll with it.

The last few days I've been doing my other part time job as a youth worker, working with young people aged 15-19 this week. Its a job I am so incredibly inspired by, it leaves me speechless most days, especially this time round. So many level headed young individuals that gives me a little more faith in the coming generations of people that will soon be making the decisions to keep our world spinning.
The stories and lifestyles of the people I've met from all sorts of walks of life is so surreal, so grounding to hear how younger lives see the world around them. I've realised even more than I did during the summer when I did the same job that I need to be helping people. I can't go a day without knowing I've somehow impacted somebody's day even if its just a passing smile to a stranger in the street to going up to a homeless lady in the streets of Brighton and asking what I can buy for her from the shop to get her through the day and night ahead. I find it so damn hard to turn my head at something that  I can somehow make a small, tiny difference to.
Recently I feel like I'm easily inspired and impacted by people around me,  I'm a sensitive little soul and read into things quite deeply. The way people are around you, the way things are said, body language, asking deep and meaningful questions is one of my favourite things. I just love to really get to know someone on an in-depth level.

I guess in the recent months I've felt a little lost, coming home from the 'Dream Life' in Australia and coming back home to live under my mums roof in my little hometown. It was a HUGE thing coming home, massively made me re-think where my life was heading, especially when I started to settle in back home. Its scared the shit out of me that I could be happy just being at home and not being in a beautiful country.
A lot of things have changed in the recent months, a lot of ups and downs and roundabouts and emotions, health hiccups and money trouble and you name it. And some days I think fuck, where is my life heading and what do I actually want to do, Like am I living to my absolute full potential. Other days I'm like "Yeah, I've got this" and I'm quite happy doing the jobs I'm doing, being where I am. Right now, right this second I'm excited, intrigued and hungry for something that I cant quite put my finger on. Things that people notice about you, things that people show interest in, things that people quote to you about something you've written years ago. Gives you a good feeling, and quite frankly made me want to write more on here. I mean I have absolutely no idea what I've said in this whole damn post, but I enjoy it so fuck it.

I'm going to work on a few things after writing this, gut insticts are super important. Putting myself first for once and really putting myself first, just being comfortable in my own mind, body and soul. Being so happy that you can see it beaming out of my face. Spend time with the people  that make you feel like you. Taking risks, chasing the work I want to do and just saying "Fuck It" more.

After all, we're only human and we're all just winging it anyway.

I've had a song on repeat whilst writing this post. Hailee Steinfeld &Grey ft. Zedd - Starving.

Anxiety - My Raw Experiences

So a few days ago it was World Mental Health Day where all over social media, people were posting about mental health and I thought it was so refreshing.
I think these days its something that is getting easier to talk about and easier to accept if you're an unlucky soul that suffers with something in that category. For a while now I've wanted to write a post on the real and raw side to me that people probably don't know about or even think is there. But as some of you may know if you've read some of my other posts, you'll see that I don't really like to beat around the bush. I don't want these things to be left unsaid, why should things like mental health, anxiety, illness, grief, fears and other things life throws at us not be talked about? I don't know about you but I really respect people that talk up about the real shit, that don't pussy foot around subjects because they may not be seen as attractive, or be seen as pretty and lady-like. It is what it is and I get messages from people asking me to write about things that are on a more personal level, because it gives people that small amount of comfort that they're not alone, they're not the only ones on the planet dealing with some difficult things and I think its now time, in this century that people should speak up, especially for those that want to hear. And if you don't want to listen/watch/read people talking about the not so lovely things then you don't have to read into it, you can just ignore these posts and the videos you see on YouTube. But I think its really great that there is something there that people can watch or read or listen to.
After all, its a big world and there's a lot of us in it.

A handful of people know, or even people that have heard the story of why I'm back in England and left Australia know that I've been having some anxiety stuff going. Its all pretty new to me although I know its definitely been there in the background of my life for a while.

Lets talk about the panic attacks for a moment.. Now if you've ever experienced this feeling to whatever extent then you know what I mean when I say that it is absolutely terrifying. From what I've read, people get them in different levels and some more often or hardly ever. No matter what your anxiety attacks are like, they are all awful and horrible and very scary.
I know exactly when I feel mine coming on. Firstly my heart will race like a bloody African drum in my chest, like its about to pop out at any second. Then I will go cold, and then hot and then I will start to shiver, which turns into shaking and trembling. My eyes start to blur and my hearing will go cloudy. My hands will tingle, my face will go numb and then I wont feel my legs. Like that intense feeling you get when you have pins and needles. That awful cramp, it will start in my shins and move up to my thighs, my hips, my stomach will turn, it will feel like someones dropped a medicine ball onto my chest and I wont be able to breathe slowly and calmly. I tend to hyperventilate and feel like my lungs just wont fill with oxygen. The world around me will spin, my hands with cramp up and go stiff In all different shapes and angles and it looks like you're having some sort of fit or stroke. My face slants and I cant control my face or mouth and my whole entire body is still solid.

It is the scariest, most horrific thing I've experienced. The first time it happened was a few years ago, At first I thought it was like an asthma attack and I had some of my bosses inhaler. But it wasn't and I think I started the sensations that I just explained. I was taken by friends to a walk in clinic which then turned into an ambulance that came to the car park. That was the first time I heard "You're having a panic attack, breathe". The day after was the day I ended up in hospital with septic shock, so I think the panic attack was from me not feeling well and then things just got ugly.
The second time was when I was in Thailand, Now ever since I was a kid I suffered with problems with my stomach. I'm not going to go into detail about this subject as I feel that's a whole other blog post and there is already one about it in the post 'Backpacking With IBS'  but my IBS plays a HUGE role with my anxiety stuff.

I've always panicked when I've been unwell, especially if I'm actually sick and I always end up freaking out so badly I have an anxiety attack and usually end up passing out. Bloody nightmare.
And then the week before I flew home from Australia is when the attacks just kept coming and It was just the worst week ever. Thankfully I've not had a bad attack since being home but I've still had attacks every now and then.

On a more personal level, my anxiety has definitely been part of everyday for about the past six weeks which has to do with the fact that I've recently been through a break up and the emotion from that really set me off. Even a month on I wake up without fail every single morning with a sheer panic sensation and it often wakes me up at the crack of dawn, and I have to talk myself out of it and distract myself in my phone for a little while.

Since writing about anxiety and IBS its amazing the amount of people you know and know of that come forward to express how much just reading about someone else having the same or similar shit going on really makes them feel less alone is exactly why  I write about this sort of thing. Its terrifying the whole concept of not always being fully in control on your mind and body. I mean how unfair, its my body I should be able to control it. But some things you cant help, and you just have to figure out how to live with them and make them part of your life but in a positive way. To learn from it, to look at anxiety in the face and be like "I aint scared of you, not today" and that's something I am working on. Trying to find ways to retrain my mind when I feel attacks coming on, and being honest about it. After all, millions of people right now are having panic attacks, IBS attacks and all sorts of issues. Instead of being afraid of it and ashamed, I think its so much more healthy to have it there available to read about. 

So there's a little snippet of the other side to the (not so much now) "exciting" and busy lifestyle I've chosen to try and live. Sometimes its not all sunshine and rainbows, and that's totally ok.

Don't be ashamed of something you have no control over, You've got this... We've got this.

Tuesday Thoughts

So its fair to say I've been fairly slack on here recently. I guess sometimes you just loose your drive a little bit, you get a little caught up in life and you don't really give yourself the breathing space to just sit for a little while and reflect.
I want to write about some things that have been thought about recently, just little thoughts on a Tuesday morning as I sit here blaring music in my PJs (living the high life).

Sometimes life doesn't go to plan, in fact most of the time life doesn't turn out the way we once envisioned it, and that's ok. We have this big overlook on life and we plan things like where we will live and what job we will be doing and who we will share all this stuff with but usually it never goes to plan.
Sometimes things change, sometimes what may have looked like the road ahead once before, now looks like a dead end, and that's ok too.
Something I've always gone by is to go with your gut feeling with everything. If you get a real good feeling about something, then go for it. For me, I tend to see a picture of a beautiful place and then I just wont drop it and I will do everything in my power to get myself there to see it.

Its also important to go with your gut feeling on that bad things too. Sometimes things start to feel different, sometimes things don't seem so clear, like a job or a place you live in. Sometimes that thing just doesn't fit with the way your life feels at this moment in time. Sometimes things just don't make you happy anymore.
My mum always gave me advise and always said to me that "If you don't know, don't do anything" and I have always gone with that advise. If something isn't sitting right in your head then think about it, and then think some more and work out how its making you feel. If you get that good gut feeling then try and make it work for you, but if you get the negative gut feeling then listen to it and act on it.
It becomes scary letting go of things you've been used to for so long. Letting go of your "norm" is bloody terrifying but sometimes it has to be done to let you move forward with wherever your journey is. 

I am so lucky to have incredible people around me while I'm at home. My family, my friends, the people I work with. There really isn't anyone negative in my life and I feed off it so much. Surrounding yourself with people that bring you up and bring out the best in you is what is most important. I am so lucky to have found a job that I absolutely love at the moment. The people I work with are just so full of life, the idea behind the company inspires me and its just a real buzz. I think it makes a massive difference on your well being if you're in a happy environment most of the time.

I'm at a place right now where it's been a hard couple of weeks and I'm getting myself back on track. There are a selection of songs that really make me feel something and I just have this urge to listen to them everyday damn day. Right now I have this huge urge to just see something beautiful and listen to these songs and just be in the moment, as cheesy and shit as it sounds I just want to feel something unreal. Twenty One Pilots - Ride and  Kings Of Leon - Waste A Moment are just something else! 

A Break From Travelling.. What?

Ok, so everyone has seen those 'Quit your job, buy a ticket, never return' quotes and inspirational pictures all over tumblr or instagram right? Mostly aimed at people working a Monday to Friday 9-5 job that they literally hate with everyone ounce of their life. I love them because its true. Nothing is set in stone and sometimes the thought of travelling and giving up a decent income is pretty daunting for some, but no where near impossible.
Well I've been lucky I guess, I mean I've never had a "decent paid job" or anything that I've had to give up to have the life that I've chosen over the past six years. My work has mostly been seasonal jobs living on an activities centre or camp where my accommodation and food was included in my wage and therefore didn't really have much to worry about when pay day came and just put away the majority of my pay slip each month. That made saving a lot easier than if I was still living at home and had to commute to work or spend money when socialising with friends and stuff.
But there has been some things that I've not got round to doing because I put travelling at the top of my priority list like, learning to drive or getting my own place or even a house share where I wasn't living under my mums roof and some relationships ended up not working because of the lifestyle I wanted. That was ok though, I wouldn't have changed a thing because I really am grateful to have the memories I have from it. 

Although the jet-set life is something a lot of people want, sometimes it can grate on you. It can have an effect on your health and wellbeing (and also your bank balance, funnily enough). This is what happened to me unfortunately.
I thought that I would always be able to be on the go 24/7 and I didn't even really think what effects it could have. Until a little into my time in Australia when I ended up working in the beautiful outback on a cattle station, far from any civilisation and bustling lifestyle. It was such an experience, hard work but really eye opening. A few posts down on this blog I wrote about what its like to be backpacking with IBS. Now, IBS for those that haven't read the post or don't know what it is, its a really sucky condition in your tummy that makes life a little difficult and a little bit horrible. Its like having a really over sensitive gut that hates pretty much everything you eat or feel, and what I mean but 'feel' is that my IBS is strongly linked to the way my brain works. My IBS is linked to my emotions, like when you're nervous you sometimes feel sick or if you're sad you get really bad cramps and so on. IBS can give you a really upset digestive system in different ways.
So going back to the Outback stuff, I ended up having IBS attacks daily for pretty much the whole 2.5 months I was there. Now when I have an IBS attack I feel like there's this demon inside trying to rip its way out, I feel so much pain I cant move sometimes, and then all hell breaks loose and I'm not going to go into detail because I'd hate to feel like I've just ruined someone's lunch or something. But basically I'm stuck in the bathroom for a long time feeling very sorry for myself and also hating my body that it chooses to do this to me. Then I would panic. I've always really worked myself up over being unwell, if I was ever sick my mum would  have to sit with my because I would work myself up to the point where I would pass out. I realised that these attacks were probably happening because I was slightly out of my comfort zone, and I was worrying although I didn't really notice feeling worried. I guess I was worried about the fact that if I was feeling really unwell that I wouldn't be able to find a loo in the middle of the bush within the hundreds of cattle and red dirt.

What I've learnt with my IBS is that my attacks come on when I'm feeling uneasy which is usually due to my environment and the worry of having an attack in public or away from my "home" which then brings on the attack.. see my problem? 
This whole thing became a real big problem when I went backpacking around Thailand and Cambodia for three months at the end of last year. Obviously, Asia is a little different to England or Australia. The food, the weather, the language and lifestyle were all worlds away from what I was used to. Without having IBS this wouldn't have been an issue at all, I love the feeling of somewhere completely different which is why I fell in love with South Africa so much.
Things started to get difficult when I noticed that I was having attacks pretty much daily and they became unbearable on the days where I had to get a coach or a ferry or if there was a day trip or tour that was happening that day. For anyone that's been to Asia you'll agree with me that the toilets are a little different. Very lucky if you get any loo roll, even luckier if you get an actual toilet and not a squat hole. Ladies, practise makes perfect, almost.

The worrying about my stomach got pretty bad, I was constantly on edge, anxious and panicky if I felt the serge of pain when I was around people or away from my hostel. It got so bad that one day I ended up having a severe panic attack at a ferry port in Koh Samui that literally happened because of an IBS attack where my symptoms that usually would go away or calm down a lot when I was distracted and out and about didn't actually ease and I ended up getting a little upset and then a full blown panic attack happened. It was horrific, it looked like I was having a stroke. My whole body went rock solid, y hands and fingers were all bent in weird angles and my face went completely numb where I could even get my words out. It was so embarrassing being around so many people that didn't know what was going on and they were all staring and looking at me and wandering what the hell was going on. Callum, my boyfriend who was with me started to get really worried and a lovely English woman must have seen me and she came and sat by my side a spoke to me and tried to calm me down whilst Callum went to get me some water and a pillow. She wasn't a nurse or anything but she seemed to know what was happening and she was very calm and comforting while an ambulance was called. She fed me water because my body just didn't work and kept me cool and tried to slow my breathing down whilst Callum had to move our rucksacks to a safe place at the ferry port. 
I was rushed to hospital in Thailand's version of an ambulance which was just a pick - up truck with a little dome on the back where my back board was just put on the floor and the medic was sat on the wheel arch doing all the tests until we got to the hospital.
A couple long stories short I was diagnosed with Hyperventilation Syndrome and was given a shot and 10 tablets of Valium. I was out within an hour and a half once my body was pretty much back to normal (plus high as a kite and drowsy as hell). I ended up going back to the ferry port and onto the next ferry to Koh Pangnan.


Anyway, we got back into Australia after Asia which despite all that drama it was beautiful and incredible. Settled back into work and started to save for the next place which was going to be New Zealand.
I started to feel not right. I wasn't 100% happy and content. I didn't want to be where I was, and I just started to not enjoy my job anymore. I ended up getting upset over nothing, stressed out at the smallest things and to the point where I just couldn't handle little hiccups that occurred. I got fed up with living in temp  accommodation and hostels and not feeling like I had my own little space. Friends that were there encouraged me to maybe seek help and find out what was going on and why I was feeling like this and to try and get some answers or some medication for my IBS.
After probably a good few weeks I finally plucked up the courage to see a doctor, one that a colleague told me to go and see.
I made an appointment, I went in and just broke down in front of the doctor before I could explain why I was there, slightly embarrassing. Through the sobbing I explained everything I was feeling and what had been going on with my IBS and everything and I was then diagnosed with a moderate to severe anxiety and a severe case of IBS when it was at its worst.
Now, I've always been emotional and I've always been a worrier, I just thought that was my personality, so it was odd having a diagnosis. I didn't really know how to feel, I felt slightly relieved that there was a reason why I was feeling the way I was but then I was also a little scared.
The doctor put me on medication to try and help with the anxiety in hope that it would also settle my IBS too as the medication he put me on had been proven in some cases to help patients with IBS who didn't have any anxiety problems with it and as I was only planning on being in Australia for a couple more months or so, this was probably the best option.
Turns out these meds really screwed me up. I was told that the side effects weren't hectic and that I'd maybe feel a little nauseous. Well, I actually felt awful, I looked up the side effects online which I was told not to do and I experienced them all. From the shakes, feeling like I had the flu, seeing flashes, insomnia, couldn't sit still, I was being sick constantly, kept crying, felt dizzy, heart racing. And then the panic attacks came on, like the one in Thailand but worse and at one point I had 8 attacks in a row. I was exhausted, scared and in a right mess. I went to hospital 3 times in 2 days and I was seen by a number of doctors which resulted in being told that the side effects I was feeling wasn't normal to the extent I was having and I was told not to carry on with them. I was only on half a tablet for that first week but I managed 3 half tablets. Its crazy that a tiny little dot of compressed powder can mess with you that much.
After a week of hardly eating or sleeping, having no voice from constantly throwing up and not working, it was decided that it was time to come home for a while.

A flight was booked and five days later we would be leaving Australia and heading back home to England. For me that was a red flag in my head saying "You've given up your travel life" and I felt like I had failed. But then I was really excited to come home, to see my family and to have a real home and to spend time with my friends. Callum went up north to his for 9 days before moving down south with me.
Its been a little over 3 weeks since coming home and I've not had itchy feet to leave yet. I managed to be able to sleep without a hypnosis app on my phone, I started Pilates and saw friends that I'd not seen in years, got to hug and play with my 5 month old nephew and live at home again. I've just got a really exciting job for the summer, something I really want to hopefully do for a job longer than just the summer and I have a recruitment group interview with Lush Cosmetics which is somewhere else I'm interested in working with.

Sometimes you need that break from a life that a lot of people envy. Sometimes you need to come home for a while and re-charge. There was no point in pushing so hard to try and get to New Zealand id I was just wearing myself out and getting sick. I still have places on my list that I will someday see but right now I'm focussing on me and my health and well-being. I want to get the most I can out of the rest of my future travels.

Until then, I'll be sticking around England for a little while. Amd I think I'm ok with that.
 

 

33 Experiences I can Thank Travelling For..

When you come home from your travels, you find yourself very soon looking through your photographs and reminiscing on all the incredible moments you got to do.
I look back and I realise that I have done so many amazing things that are pretty mind blowing. I worked my backside off to be able to do and see the things I can tell stories about but I am also very lucky for everything to have fallen into place the way it did.

I was feeling nostalgic, so here's a list of just a handful of those things..
And its all thanks to the beautiful big world we live in and the opportunities that are out there, you just have to go get them!

1. Swimming with whale sharks in Mozambique.
2. Rounding up and relocating a rhino on horse-back.
3. Tandem bungee jumping with my boyfriend for our second anniversary.
4. White water rafting in the Adirondacks in the USA.
5. Renting an apartment in Harlem, NYC.
6. Got chased by an angry hippo.
7. Kissing and feeding tea to a tame hippo.
8. Eating impala, crocodile, kangaroo, ostrich (raw and cooked) and warthog.
9. Cuddled a baby elephant and rhino.
10. Horse riding alongside black bear and their cubs.
11. Near death experience in a Tuktuk in Cambodia.
12. Swimming with a sea turtle in the Great Barrier Reef.
13.Climbed to the highest point in Australia.
14. Mustered on a cattle station in the Australian Outback.
15. Built a classroom in an orphanage in a South African township.
16. Partied on a rooftop in New York City over looking the famous skyline.
17. Rode on the back of a moped around parts of Thailand.
18. Had a run in with three lions.. and survived!
19. Helped to re-collar a tracking device onto a lion.
20. Helped to track progress of leopards.
21. Watched the sun set over the Africa bush, Aussie bush, beach, mountains and world famous skylines.
22. Partied and skinny dipped in Miami until daylight.
23. Camped out underneath the Milky Way.
24. Learnt to surf in Australia (badly).
25. Road tripped Tasmania.
26. Milked a cow in the Outback.
27. Got lost in a temple in Cambodia.
28. Caught a NYC yellow cab.
29. Bridge swinging for my 18th in a gorge in South Africa.
30. Went on safari by horse back and elephant.
31. Bobsledding in an Australian ski resort.
32. Drove a safari vehicle and then crashed it.
33. Got involved with Anti-poaching in South Africa.

My Personal Thoughts On Alcohol

Alcohol is involved in a lot of peoples lives around the globe. 

Whether it be that something people enjoy to share with friends on special occasions, a part of every weekend to let loose after a week in work life or even an escape for people dealing with troubles. 

It's usually something people use to make them feel better in some shape or form. 

I've had a slightly different experience with alcohol. 

I had my first ever proper alcoholic drink at the age of 19 I believe. As in a drink I ordered, not something I just tasted off a friend. 

I used to be so very much against alcohol and drinking, to the point where I wouldn't be near anyone drinking or even allow it in my fridge at home. Obviously it was my mums fridge and I didn't have the authority to ban it in my house but there was a compromise and it ended up going in the fridge in the gardens summer house (our glorified shed). 

So why was I so against something fairly normal? 

Well, I grew up with it around me, not like really around me but my dad was a heavy drinker. Infact he was an alcoholic who ended up loosing his life to the stuff when he was just 38 and I was 14 (if you wanna read about that subject in detail it's a few posts down on my blog "living with grief" and "loosing a parent 10 years on"). 

I always knew he drank and as much as I could understand it as a kid, I also grew to understand that with my dad it got to a point where it was making him really unwell and the doctors said after two dangerous trips to hospital previously, that if he carried on drinking it would kill him, and that it did. 

So I always had this strong hatrid towards alcohol. I vowed I would never let it touch my lips because as far as I was aware as a little angry teenager, alcohol was something my dad chose over a life with me. Obviously there was ALOT more to it than that, and that alcoholism is an illness in itself. A shitty horrible thing that for a lot of people that don't get the right help, ends up sending their lives into a short spiraling whirlwind. 

I was really quite proud of the fact I didn't drink as a teenager. Sometimes maybe a little too proud and I would end up snapping at people for it. That was just a cover up for how terrified I was of the substance. 

At around 19 I started giving in as such. 

I first started having a drink, I started experimenting which lead to a lot of sickness from like one blue WKD and me not actually enjoying it much atall. When I was travelling alone in South Africa and all of my friends around me were doing it, I'd try and keep up. Obviously I didn't atall. I am THE biggest lightweight known to man. 

The very few times that I have been drunk (which I can probably count on one hand in all my 23 years of life) actually made me quite unwell. 

I started to wonder what was the point and up until about 8 months ago I would only ever have like 1 cider if there was a big BBQ or a party going on. But it started to really make me unwell every time almost like I was allergic to the stuff. 

A few of you guys reading this might know I have IBS quite badly and I found out that alcohol was setting me off with IBS attacks even after half a can. Ive also got weak liver and kidneys which I found out after being hospitalised a few years ago with septic shock from dehydration. 

So I've completely stopped again. 

I'm quite happy with mocktails and Pepsi. I save a lot of money too! 

But my thoughts on alcohol are still fairly negative. Infact alcohol really scares me, especially if the people I care about the most are drunk. I get really uneasy and upset and It scares me seeing people out of control. 

At times I can become quite socially awkward when alcohol is involved. 

For example, the other week at a staff party with my work friends, everyone started getting quite drunk around 8pm and started getting loud and straight away alarm bells went off in my head and I had to just escape and get out of there. 

It scares me how something so "normal" can really destroy lives as easy as something that is illegal and deemed as really bad like drugs for example. 

To me alcohol is a legal drug, and because it's so easy to just get hold of it ends up being a big part of a lot of people's lives in not good ways. 

I don't think I'll ever drink, I don't think I'll ever feel the need or want to. And the thought of throwing my guts up and other very unattractive things that will most definately happen if I do drink, makes me pretty positive that I won't.

And I'm totally happy with that :) 

Losing A Parent || Ten Years On

I've been thinking about this subject for a while now. Friends and family of mine may know that I lost my dad when I was 14. Not quite 10 years ago but it will be in November. I have a similar post that I wrote a little over a year ago 'Living With Grief' which goes into a little more detail about that day but this is more about the emotions and feelings you feel after some time.

It wasn't a known thing that was going to happen. It wasn't an on-going illness but it was still an illness to an extent. My dad died in the afternoon of the 17th Novemeber 2006 in Southampton General Hostpital. He died suddenly and unexpected for a 38 year old man that everyone thought was healthy, but he was infact a prisoner of alcoholism. 

Being 14 is a weird age to loose someone so close that is supposed to be around a lot longer. It's an age where you're growing up fast, and you understand certain feelings that maybe a child wouldn't as well, but you're still vunerable and you don't really know how to deal with the emotions you feel. It made me grow up super fast. I'm close with my family, my mum and sister but my sister had a different dad and I was my dad's only child, so I felt really alone when I started to grieve. 

So much has happened in my life the past decade. I've travelled the world, experienced incredible things but I've missed out on some "normal" things. 

Having a parent that's passed for birthdays, exam results, first independent travels, moving away from home, meeting long term relationships has been tough at times. 

Growing up I didn't really know how to use the feelings I was experiencing. I didn't really know how to react. Sometimes I'd just get really angry or I'd bring up the fact that he had died in a blunt way to get a reaction out of people because I felt like I was the only one suffering these emotions. It was a confusing time. 

My sister, my mum and myself have all lost our dad's early. My mums dad committed suicide when she was just 24 (I think) and my little sisters dad died in a motor bike accident just a couple of years ago. As sad and unfortunate as it is, it helps. It's a feeling I never wante my little sister to ever have to feel but unfortunately she did and it's brought us all even closer than we were before. 

10 years on from loosing my dad and I still feel emotions serge through me from time to time. The feelings don't go away but they get a little more tame with time. I guess I never really took the time to deal with it as a teenager so every now and then I'll get upset about it and break down. I still will think about my dad atleast once a day, through a memory or a photograph or a song. 

I'll see dad's and their daughters in the street and get a lump in my throat and butterflies in my chest. I'll hear Bryan Adams come on the radio or on shuffle and I'll either smile or feel sad. 

I often think to myself how life would be if he was still around. Would I have done all the things I've done? Would I be in Australia right now living the dream? No idea. But probabaly because he was the one that got me into wanting to travel after he took me to morocco when I was 12. 

Ten years is a long time but it feels like yesterday. The feelings are still raw but I've learnt to let myself really feel when the feelings arrive in my body instead of pushing them away to deal with another day. It's not healthy pushing emotions aside and I did it for years and years. 

I don't think you can put a time limit on how long you're allowed to feel those very same feelings of sadness, guilt, anger and loss. 

I used to beat myself up so bad about the guilt I felt with the circumstances before he died, and I've finally learnt to believe in fate and things happen the way they do because that's just how it goes. It's not my fault. 

Loosing my dad as a teenager has definately impacted how I see life. As cliche as it is, you really don't get a second chance once you've gone. And I think that's why jumped at the chance of travel when it hit me like a train when I first went to africa. I knew I had to do some cool shit to tell my children one day like the stories I was told. 

I think that even though almost ten years have passed, my need for my dad has paused since the day I lost him. In 23 but I still feel like my inner child when I think about him. It's hard to explain, I used to be so angry at him for dying on me because of something like alcohol. I used to think how could you put drink before the life you made and miss out on so much. But I understand now that alcoholism is a sickness, an addiction and for him it unfortunately beat him. 

My inner child still aches for him when I think about him. I don't think I'll ever get over that. I lost him when I was vunerable and the time inbetween feels like it's stopped, so I miss like him a child would.

I still dream vividly about his face. And I hear his laugh and the way his face creased as he laughed. I miss him everyday but that's ok but the grief I feel is just part of my life. As much as is rather him still being around, I know if he could see me now he would be happy. And I'd rather have the memories that make me feel these raw feelings than not have a part of him with me atall. 

I haven't pre planned this post, I've just written how it's all come into my head so I apologise if it comes out a little jumbled, I just wanted it to be as naked and raw as the emotions are.

North Thailand - The Best Bits

North Thailand was the first part of our 3 month Thailand and Cambodia trip where we spent a month travelling around the main areas of the north. 

We did Bangkok, Kanchanaburi, Chiang Mai and Pai and here's a list of the best parts and the must do's that we did if you ever find yourself heading over to that corner of the world. 

Bangkok 

Everybody knows of Bangkok right? The big crazy capital city of thailand. When we first stepped our feet out of the cab from the airport I was a little over whelming. The place is mental, the humidity is unreal and don't get me started on the traffic. Now I'm bit a huge fan of crazy busy places but each time we came through to Bangkok as a link destination I kinda liked it. It was lively, smelly, hot and at times (usually in tuktuks) bloody scary. But it was exciting and I enjoyed it a lot more when we came through after spending time in Thailand getting used to the weather. There's so much to see and do there. 

1. Thai boxing - On a Wednesday night outside the MBK which is the main shopping centre in the city, there would be a Thai boxing match that you could watch for free of the young up and coming boxers. It started around 6pm but you had to get there around 5pm so try and get a spot to sit. It was right outside of macdonalds too which is always a bonus. I didn't think id like it much but it was really cool! And when the girls came into the ring my god it was terrifying. The perfect resting bitch faces I've ever seen. They can throw a punch! 

I'm not sure it it's on all the time but if it is id definately recommend checking it out! 

2. Snake Farm - For those like me who LOVE snakes you must check this place out. It's also over by the MBK area near the Lumpini park and it's ran by the Thai Red Cross. They extract the venom from some of the deadliest snakes and make anti-venom out of them. Fascinating stuff! They have loads of open pits full of snakes and they also put on an great snake show where the crazy handlers pick up cobras (which still have their venom) by there bare hands and all sorts. I managed to become a volunteer and got to have a Burmese Python wrapped around me. Normal girls would be fan girling over Channing Tatum but me, loosing my shit over being smothered in a snake. They also have a great museum up the top which was really interesting explaining the anatomy of snakes and stuff. It was only about 300baht (6 quid ish) so a good afternoon if you fancy something a little different. 

3. Lumpini Park -We checked this place out the same day as the snake farm as it was just over the road and it's Bassically just a huge park with a small lake in the middle where you can rent out little pedal boats and walk around. The cool thing about this place is that it was FULL of these huge monitor lizards. It was like walking with dinosaurs, they are huge like atleast a metre long. You could see them swimming and catching catfish and eating them under benches. We even saw one eating a turtle just on the grass as you're casually strolling passed. But they're not friendly so don't go up to them for a cuddle, they can bite pretty bad I've hard and I'm not sure if this is correct but I heard they're also venomous. Oh and there's also a shit load of pigeons. 

4. Reclyning Buddah Temple - I think  it's real name is Wat Pho but it's Bassically a bunch of funky temples and in the main building there is this humongous golden Buddah statue just chilling on it's side and all around is just buddahs and incredible temples. It's a must see and cost I think around 200baht. 

5. Koh San Road - If you've been to Bangkok and you haven't been to or even heard of this road then what the hell have were you doing? Koh San is one long road which is where all the backpackers and tourists gather in their hundreds every night for the cheapest buckets of drink, loud music, street food, fake makes, market bargains, laughing gas balloons, henna tattoos, dreads, massages and stalls selling big creepy crawlies you can eat. Scorpion on a stick for tea? By day it's pretty chilled but by night it's something you need to experience. 

Kanchanaburi 

Kanchanaburi is a small city about 3.5 hours north of Bangkok which is where we only spent 2 nights and we only ended up going for one main reason, Erawan Falls. It's also home of the bridge the Death Railway sits on over the River Kwai which is pretty famous. It's a nice spot with lovely floating restaurants. It's also home to a safari park which my best friend volunteered at with a big cat programme and it's also home to a tiger temple near by too (but please don't attend the tiger temple if you know the background of what goes on there). 

1. Erawan Falls - One of, if not THE most beautiful place I've seen in Asia so far. It's a 7 tier waterfall in a national park where you can walk all the way to the top and swim in each level. The water (especially at the top tiers) is a white-ish baby blue colour and as you get lower it's crystal clear or a beautiful emerald colour. It looks like it's been photoshopped but it's the real deal. There's also fish that come up to your feet and nibble the dead skin off which is an included natural foot spa. It is a national park so you do have to pay to get in which is again around 300baht I think but it's worth every single penny! You can't take food passed the first level but you can take water bottles you just have to get the marked with a number and have your name written down so they know you haven't littered. You can also keep any food you want at the entrance where it will be looked after or you can do what we did and eat it at the bottom for some energy to climb to the top. It is quite the trek in the humidity but take lots of water and take a dip in the levels as you go to cool yourself down. 

If you go from kanchanburi the local bus is 50baht pp or you can do a day trip I believe from Bangkok. YOU MUST GO HERE! 

Chiang Mai 

Chiang Mai is another lively city in the north which is well known for the old town and it's also the best place to do a ton of tours and attractions like cooking classes, elephant days and all sorts. There's also some great night markets too. 

1. Art In Paradise 3D Gallery - This place was great fun! It's Bassically this big 3 story building with big images painted in weird angles that allows you to take some wacky photos where it looks like you're in the picture, hard to explain but there's some hilarious ones and it's a good afternoon attraction out of the heat. I wouldn't go If you're by yourself though as you can't really take a selfie and get the same effect. I think it was around 300baht again to get in, so about 6 quid roughly. 

2. Elephant Discovery - I am totally obsessed with elephants, I think they're the most beautiful, incredible animal on earth, so a trip to Thailand wasn't going to be the same without spending some time with these majestic creatures. We did a lot of research on what tour to go with as a lot of people know, some tours or sadly most tours aren't exactly animal cruelty free which is heart wrenching, but this company were different. They actually used the money from customers to rescue elephants from the city tours to bring them back to the jungle without them being chained up or made to do things for entertainment. With the base being almost 3 hours drive away from the city they really were out in the country. The elephants were totally free roaming, the mahouts (elephant grooms) never used hooks or chains on them, if the elephants didn't want to do anything they didn't have to. They were ridden bareback for a maximum of 30 mins a day and we got to bathe them, swim with them and learn the voice commands and typical elephant behaviour. Lunch was included and so was all the photographs taken by a photographer which they burned onto a disc for you before you got driven back to the city. We also got to have cuddles with a tiny 2/3 month of baby elephant. It was a wonderful experience and probably the best day of the whole Asian trip. Please please please do you research before doing an elephant day. This trip was around 2,400baht pp. 

3. International Food Truck Park - This was a little golden find whilst wondering around. It's near the night bazaar and it's inbetween two shops both called 'Pink Pussy' and it's a little park with food trucks and hay bales and benches and they have live bands playing really awesome acoustic covers. Really nice for a chilled evening of good vibes. 

4. Night Bazaar Market - Great place to get some good bargains! At the bottom floor they had all the artists and their incredible art work. We ended up just standing there for ages watching these Thais put paint to canvass. Amazing talent. It's just your standard night markets but you can litterally find anything and everything. We did our Christmas shopping there to send back to the UK. 

6. Deejai Pool/Garden - This place was linked to a hostel we stayed at called Deejais which is just down the road from this place. It's a bar with a lovely garden and treehouse with hammocks and a salt water swimming pool. The food is amazing and still fairly cheap, run by westerners and if you're staying at Deejais hostel you can use the pool for free whenever you like. Good for chilled days and topping up the tan! 

Pai 

Pai is one if my favourite places we came to. It's this little bohemian town hidden in the mountains near the Boarder of Burma  I believe and it's just a really lovely, chilled out place. It's situated about 2.5 hours northwest of Chiang Mai and the road there has 727 bends so take a sick bag on the bus with you! 

1. Get A Moped - Pai is best done on the back of a moped as a lot of things to see are waterfalls and natural things. In the main walking street you'll find tons of moped rental shops which costs you around 180baht a day to rent and you just need to hand over a passport as a deposit which you obviously get back at the end, just don't demolish the bike or loose it. Make sure you take a helmet too. Don't be a pleb that thinks they're too cool to wear a helmet because it's not cool if you end up in hospital. 

2. The Canyon - This place has the most incredible views. It's on the main road on the right hand side as you dive towards Chiang Mai out of Pai (you can't really miss it) and it's free! Again just be careful because, well you'll see when you get there. You'll be walking on a path about a foot wide with a 50m drop either side. Not for the faint hearted but you can still get an incredible photo without almost dying. 

3. Waterfalls - Off the top of my head I can't name the waterfalls but there's quite a few there. Make a day of it on your moped and do the falls and canyon. And even just the scenery around Pai is breathtaking. Some of the roads to the waterfalls can be pretty bumpy and hardly even there so try not to wreck your ped. Wear your swimmers, it's great to take a dip inbetween the sites during the heat of the day. 

4. Walking Street - The main walking street is very easy to find as it's the street at night which is just lined with street food stalls and bars. It's really cute with bunting and lights and although it's the main place to be at night, it's not crazy like the streets of Chiang Mai. Going back to the street food, it looks really decent and we ended up trying bits of it for dinner one evening. Unfortunately it didn't end well atall and we ended up both getting a horrendous bout of food poisoning which left us in a really bad way for days. We're not entirely sure what made us so sick as we had different  food but we both did have a smoothie from a smoothie bar and we reckon it was that. We were seriously sick and as much as I loved Pai my memories are slightly tainted from being so unwell. So be really careful with the street food or smoothies especially ones with ice in them. I've read a lot of other blogs where people have also been very sick with food poisoning from the street food of Pai. But don't let that put you off too much, there's still great places to eat around the walking street that isn't street food. Check out The Wishing Well I think it's called. Great food. 

5. Fluid Swimming Pool - This place was great for the days after we were sick to just chill out next to a pool with great music. The food here is also amazing (try the nachos!) and you get a mat to sunbathe on too. Really clean pool and nice bar area with little shared huts you can chill out in too. It was only around 60baht to get in for the whole day. Id get there fairly early-ish if you want a good spot because it's very popular. 

Happy travels, Laurie. 

16 things you would usually take for granted but miss terribly when backpacking Asia

We all want something we can't have right? But here's a list of some pretty normal day to day life things that you wouldn't often think too much about until you are backpacking somewhere very different to your usual surroundings. 

Whilst I'm here, this is about Asia. 

1. A wardrobe - living out of a backpack can be quite annoying after a long period of time. You're forever pulling the entire contents out of your backpack for that one top you want to wear which is always right at the very bottom. Your clothes come out creased and knotted and your underwear are NEVER to be found. 

2. Your own bedroom/space - living in hostels is so much fun (usually). You get a new room every few nights, clean bed sheets all the time and you get to meet some cool people. But after a while you crave your own space where no one can see you change or where no one else is farting or snoring in your room. 

3. Toilet paper - if you've been to Asia you'll notice that hardly any toilets have toilet paper in them. You either have to pay for it or you're supposed to use the "bum gun". You heard. It's a spray gun to wash yourself after you do your thang. They're painful like a jet wash and they just leave you walking around afterward soaking wet and waddling like you've had an accident. Always keep some toilet paper in your bags ladies! Or when you finally find a loo with some, go for gold and store a big handful of it in your bag. 

4. An actual toilet seat - back onto the loo topic but Asian toilets are quite often a funny little squatting hole that you pee in and then throw a bucket of water in to "flush" whatever you just produced. For a dude I'm sure a number 1 is fairly simple. Ladies find something to hold onto and balance! And try not to pee on your feet! 

5. To be able to drink from the tap - I miss just being able to grab a glass and fill up where ever you see a tap. But if you do that here you'll probably get very sick. It's advised in some places to even brush your teeth with bottled water and unless it's a proper restaurant to not have ice in your drinks. Better to be safe than sorry! I learnt the hard way. 

6. Air conditioning/breeze - Asia is hot, like really hot. It's not just roasting but the humidity is a killer. I find myself just wandering around local supermarkets that have aircon just studying tins of dried out fish and other local stuff just to pretend I'm buying something so I can cool down. And when a sudden breeze hits you it just the best feeling ever. 

7. People than speak your mother tongue - I find it fascinating that people can speak a second if not third language and I'm very jealous that I can't. I totally respect anyone who tries their hardest but when there's a problem or a stressful situation there's nothing more frustrating than nobody understanding you. That's not their fault atall though. 

8. Alone time - I like to have my own space at times. A place where only I can be and being in dorm rooms can get quite frustrating after a while. Even just being able to go for a walk alone is refreshing but here I'd probably get very very lost. 

9. TV/Movies - I'm used to bit watching tv everyday as even back in England at my seasonal job we don't have tv (although my boyfriend had a tv we watched movies on) but not actual channels. I miss being able to sit down on the sofa with a good cuppa watch some shitty reality tv show. 

10. Wearing a jumper - for those that know me we you know I'm always wearing a jumper. Usually because I'm ways cold (apart from here) but I just love to be in a big baggy jumper that I can just curl up in. It's way too hot to wear a jumper here apart from to bed sometimes if the air con is right above my bed. I love being able to snuggle in a big jumper! 

11. Paying for things on card - you can't really pay for things on card here in Asia (not that I've seen anyway) unless you're staying in a really posh resort or hotel. When the pay wave thing came out in Australia I was amazed at it. I loved just being able to tap my shopping onto my card (although they can be quite dangerous when buying clothes, makeup  etc) Here you have to work it out and and always have enough cash in your purse. I suck at math so I leave the money stuff up to the boyfriend. 

12. Working out currencies - this mostly goes for Cambodia as they have two currencies (riel and US dolla) and trying to work out the conversion from pounds to Aussie dollas to Thai baht to Cambodian riel and US dollas it's a massive headache. Again, left that to Callum to work out. 

13. People talking to your in the street - more like pestering you! But usually you'd walk down a street and no one would say hello of bat an eyelid that you've walked passed (unless you're from Bognor then everyone know everyone in town) but here Asia you are constantly pestered for tuktuks, to buy stuff, for weed, food, money, massages. You name it. No such thing as a chilled stroll though an Asian town. 

14. Being able to cook for yourself - I love cooking, I love being in control of my meals and how I cook them. As great as eating out is, every meal of everyday can get tedious and I really miss just making my own food. Especially I miss sweet potato so bad! 

15. Heinz ketchup / BBQ sauce - 

I like my sauce. But nowhere in Asia does BBQ sauce and you'll be extremely lucky to find heinze tomato ketchup. Here it just tastes like sour, bitter tomatoes mixed with... Poo. Not nice. Or you mistake the chili hot sauce that is usually in an almost identical bottle *cries*. 

16. Having clean washed clothes - 

Being able to wash your clothes on a regular basis and whenever you like is something I really took for granted. The best feeling is when you get your clean, fresh smelling clothes back from a laundry service out here. It's often to go quite a while without washing your clothes, usually until you're in the very last pair of pants or you bikini bottoms when you're nowhere near the beach then you cough out some money from your budget to wash everything, and it's just the best! 

Featherhead.