Okay, so slightly different this time round. More of a blog post on me waffling things that have crossed my mind recently, not really sat down and planned this one at all. Not that I hugely plan what I write on here as I'm sure you'd be able to tell with by the extreme lack of correct grammar and spelling.
I was just walking home from work today and I saw this massive cloud right in front of me. Like it was huge, it had such a presence and I just stopped and looked at it for a minute and took multiple pictures and snap chats of it. Weird how a cloud made me think "Right, lets write a blog post tonight". Alright well not just the cloud but things have been happening recently which has just left me thinking "Hmmmm" quite a few times.
So the cloud made me think that, despite all the silly stuff we stress and think about in every day to day life, we are so stupidly small on this planet compared to what is around us. It just made me put a few things into perspective, like that our 'problems' that seem like the end of the entire world are just miniscule compared to the shear volume of things in the world. That sounds so deep, I'm literally just typing, this probably makes no sense what so ever but we'll roll with it.
The last few days I've been doing my other part time job as a youth worker, working with young people aged 15-19 this week. Its a job I am so incredibly inspired by, it leaves me speechless most days, especially this time round. So many level headed young individuals that gives me a little more faith in the coming generations of people that will soon be making the decisions to keep our world spinning.
The stories and lifestyles of the people I've met from all sorts of walks of life is so surreal, so grounding to hear how younger lives see the world around them. I've realised even more than I did during the summer when I did the same job that I need to be helping people. I can't go a day without knowing I've somehow impacted somebody's day even if its just a passing smile to a stranger in the street to going up to a homeless lady in the streets of Brighton and asking what I can buy for her from the shop to get her through the day and night ahead. I find it so damn hard to turn my head at something that I can somehow make a small, tiny difference to.
Recently I feel like I'm easily inspired and impacted by people around me, I'm a sensitive little soul and read into things quite deeply. The way people are around you, the way things are said, body language, asking deep and meaningful questions is one of my favourite things. I just love to really get to know someone on an in-depth level.
I guess in the recent months I've felt a little lost, coming home from the 'Dream Life' in Australia and coming back home to live under my mums roof in my little hometown. It was a HUGE thing coming home, massively made me re-think where my life was heading, especially when I started to settle in back home. Its scared the shit out of me that I could be happy just being at home and not being in a beautiful country.
A lot of things have changed in the recent months, a lot of ups and downs and roundabouts and emotions, health hiccups and money trouble and you name it. And some days I think fuck, where is my life heading and what do I actually want to do, Like am I living to my absolute full potential. Other days I'm like "Yeah, I've got this" and I'm quite happy doing the jobs I'm doing, being where I am. Right now, right this second I'm excited, intrigued and hungry for something that I cant quite put my finger on. Things that people notice about you, things that people show interest in, things that people quote to you about something you've written years ago. Gives you a good feeling, and quite frankly made me want to write more on here. I mean I have absolutely no idea what I've said in this whole damn post, but I enjoy it so fuck it.
I'm going to work on a few things after writing this, gut insticts are super important. Putting myself first for once and really putting myself first, just being comfortable in my own mind, body and soul. Being so happy that you can see it beaming out of my face. Spend time with the people that make you feel like you. Taking risks, chasing the work I want to do and just saying "Fuck It" more.
After all, we're only human and we're all just winging it anyway.
I've had a song on repeat whilst writing this post. Hailee Steinfeld &Grey ft. Zedd - Starving.
Tuesday 25 October 2016
Thursday 13 October 2016
Anxiety - My Raw Experiences
So a few days ago it was World Mental Health Day where all over social media, people were posting about mental health and I thought it was so refreshing.
I think these days its something that is getting easier to talk about and easier to accept if you're an unlucky soul that suffers with something in that category. For a while now I've wanted to write a post on the real and raw side to me that people probably don't know about or even think is there. But as some of you may know if you've read some of my other posts, you'll see that I don't really like to beat around the bush. I don't want these things to be left unsaid, why should things like mental health, anxiety, illness, grief, fears and other things life throws at us not be talked about? I don't know about you but I really respect people that talk up about the real shit, that don't pussy foot around subjects because they may not be seen as attractive, or be seen as pretty and lady-like. It is what it is and I get messages from people asking me to write about things that are on a more personal level, because it gives people that small amount of comfort that they're not alone, they're not the only ones on the planet dealing with some difficult things and I think its now time, in this century that people should speak up, especially for those that want to hear. And if you don't want to listen/watch/read people talking about the not so lovely things then you don't have to read into it, you can just ignore these posts and the videos you see on YouTube. But I think its really great that there is something there that people can watch or read or listen to.
After all, its a big world and there's a lot of us in it.
A handful of people know, or even people that have heard the story of why I'm back in England and left Australia know that I've been having some anxiety stuff going. Its all pretty new to me although I know its definitely been there in the background of my life for a while.
Lets talk about the panic attacks for a moment.. Now if you've ever experienced this feeling to whatever extent then you know what I mean when I say that it is absolutely terrifying. From what I've read, people get them in different levels and some more often or hardly ever. No matter what your anxiety attacks are like, they are all awful and horrible and very scary.
I know exactly when I feel mine coming on. Firstly my heart will race like a bloody African drum in my chest, like its about to pop out at any second. Then I will go cold, and then hot and then I will start to shiver, which turns into shaking and trembling. My eyes start to blur and my hearing will go cloudy. My hands will tingle, my face will go numb and then I wont feel my legs. Like that intense feeling you get when you have pins and needles. That awful cramp, it will start in my shins and move up to my thighs, my hips, my stomach will turn, it will feel like someones dropped a medicine ball onto my chest and I wont be able to breathe slowly and calmly. I tend to hyperventilate and feel like my lungs just wont fill with oxygen. The world around me will spin, my hands with cramp up and go stiff In all different shapes and angles and it looks like you're having some sort of fit or stroke. My face slants and I cant control my face or mouth and my whole entire body is still solid.
It is the scariest, most horrific thing I've experienced. The first time it happened was a few years ago, At first I thought it was like an asthma attack and I had some of my bosses inhaler. But it wasn't and I think I started the sensations that I just explained. I was taken by friends to a walk in clinic which then turned into an ambulance that came to the car park. That was the first time I heard "You're having a panic attack, breathe". The day after was the day I ended up in hospital with septic shock, so I think the panic attack was from me not feeling well and then things just got ugly.
The second time was when I was in Thailand, Now ever since I was a kid I suffered with problems with my stomach. I'm not going to go into detail about this subject as I feel that's a whole other blog post and there is already one about it in the post 'Backpacking With IBS' but my IBS plays a HUGE role with my anxiety stuff.
I've always panicked when I've been unwell, especially if I'm actually sick and I always end up freaking out so badly I have an anxiety attack and usually end up passing out. Bloody nightmare.
And then the week before I flew home from Australia is when the attacks just kept coming and It was just the worst week ever. Thankfully I've not had a bad attack since being home but I've still had attacks every now and then.
On a more personal level, my anxiety has definitely been part of everyday for about the past six weeks which has to do with the fact that I've recently been through a break up and the emotion from that really set me off. Even a month on I wake up without fail every single morning with a sheer panic sensation and it often wakes me up at the crack of dawn, and I have to talk myself out of it and distract myself in my phone for a little while.
Since writing about anxiety and IBS its amazing the amount of people you know and know of that come forward to express how much just reading about someone else having the same or similar shit going on really makes them feel less alone is exactly why I write about this sort of thing. Its terrifying the whole concept of not always being fully in control on your mind and body. I mean how unfair, its my body I should be able to control it. But some things you cant help, and you just have to figure out how to live with them and make them part of your life but in a positive way. To learn from it, to look at anxiety in the face and be like "I aint scared of you, not today" and that's something I am working on. Trying to find ways to retrain my mind when I feel attacks coming on, and being honest about it. After all, millions of people right now are having panic attacks, IBS attacks and all sorts of issues. Instead of being afraid of it and ashamed, I think its so much more healthy to have it there available to read about.
So there's a little snippet of the other side to the (not so much now) "exciting" and busy lifestyle I've chosen to try and live. Sometimes its not all sunshine and rainbows, and that's totally ok.
Don't be ashamed of something you have no control over, You've got this... We've got this.
I think these days its something that is getting easier to talk about and easier to accept if you're an unlucky soul that suffers with something in that category. For a while now I've wanted to write a post on the real and raw side to me that people probably don't know about or even think is there. But as some of you may know if you've read some of my other posts, you'll see that I don't really like to beat around the bush. I don't want these things to be left unsaid, why should things like mental health, anxiety, illness, grief, fears and other things life throws at us not be talked about? I don't know about you but I really respect people that talk up about the real shit, that don't pussy foot around subjects because they may not be seen as attractive, or be seen as pretty and lady-like. It is what it is and I get messages from people asking me to write about things that are on a more personal level, because it gives people that small amount of comfort that they're not alone, they're not the only ones on the planet dealing with some difficult things and I think its now time, in this century that people should speak up, especially for those that want to hear. And if you don't want to listen/watch/read people talking about the not so lovely things then you don't have to read into it, you can just ignore these posts and the videos you see on YouTube. But I think its really great that there is something there that people can watch or read or listen to.
After all, its a big world and there's a lot of us in it.
A handful of people know, or even people that have heard the story of why I'm back in England and left Australia know that I've been having some anxiety stuff going. Its all pretty new to me although I know its definitely been there in the background of my life for a while.
Lets talk about the panic attacks for a moment.. Now if you've ever experienced this feeling to whatever extent then you know what I mean when I say that it is absolutely terrifying. From what I've read, people get them in different levels and some more often or hardly ever. No matter what your anxiety attacks are like, they are all awful and horrible and very scary.
I know exactly when I feel mine coming on. Firstly my heart will race like a bloody African drum in my chest, like its about to pop out at any second. Then I will go cold, and then hot and then I will start to shiver, which turns into shaking and trembling. My eyes start to blur and my hearing will go cloudy. My hands will tingle, my face will go numb and then I wont feel my legs. Like that intense feeling you get when you have pins and needles. That awful cramp, it will start in my shins and move up to my thighs, my hips, my stomach will turn, it will feel like someones dropped a medicine ball onto my chest and I wont be able to breathe slowly and calmly. I tend to hyperventilate and feel like my lungs just wont fill with oxygen. The world around me will spin, my hands with cramp up and go stiff In all different shapes and angles and it looks like you're having some sort of fit or stroke. My face slants and I cant control my face or mouth and my whole entire body is still solid.
It is the scariest, most horrific thing I've experienced. The first time it happened was a few years ago, At first I thought it was like an asthma attack and I had some of my bosses inhaler. But it wasn't and I think I started the sensations that I just explained. I was taken by friends to a walk in clinic which then turned into an ambulance that came to the car park. That was the first time I heard "You're having a panic attack, breathe". The day after was the day I ended up in hospital with septic shock, so I think the panic attack was from me not feeling well and then things just got ugly.
The second time was when I was in Thailand, Now ever since I was a kid I suffered with problems with my stomach. I'm not going to go into detail about this subject as I feel that's a whole other blog post and there is already one about it in the post 'Backpacking With IBS' but my IBS plays a HUGE role with my anxiety stuff.
I've always panicked when I've been unwell, especially if I'm actually sick and I always end up freaking out so badly I have an anxiety attack and usually end up passing out. Bloody nightmare.
And then the week before I flew home from Australia is when the attacks just kept coming and It was just the worst week ever. Thankfully I've not had a bad attack since being home but I've still had attacks every now and then.
On a more personal level, my anxiety has definitely been part of everyday for about the past six weeks which has to do with the fact that I've recently been through a break up and the emotion from that really set me off. Even a month on I wake up without fail every single morning with a sheer panic sensation and it often wakes me up at the crack of dawn, and I have to talk myself out of it and distract myself in my phone for a little while.
Since writing about anxiety and IBS its amazing the amount of people you know and know of that come forward to express how much just reading about someone else having the same or similar shit going on really makes them feel less alone is exactly why I write about this sort of thing. Its terrifying the whole concept of not always being fully in control on your mind and body. I mean how unfair, its my body I should be able to control it. But some things you cant help, and you just have to figure out how to live with them and make them part of your life but in a positive way. To learn from it, to look at anxiety in the face and be like "I aint scared of you, not today" and that's something I am working on. Trying to find ways to retrain my mind when I feel attacks coming on, and being honest about it. After all, millions of people right now are having panic attacks, IBS attacks and all sorts of issues. Instead of being afraid of it and ashamed, I think its so much more healthy to have it there available to read about.
So there's a little snippet of the other side to the (not so much now) "exciting" and busy lifestyle I've chosen to try and live. Sometimes its not all sunshine and rainbows, and that's totally ok.
Don't be ashamed of something you have no control over, You've got this... We've got this.
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