So a few days ago it was World Mental Health Day where all over social media, people were posting about mental health and I thought it was so refreshing.
I think these days its something that is getting easier to talk about and easier to accept if you're an unlucky soul that suffers with something in that category. For a while now I've wanted to write a post on the real and raw side to me that people probably don't know about or even think is there. But as some of you may know if you've read some of my other posts, you'll see that I don't really like to beat around the bush. I don't want these things to be left unsaid, why should things like mental health, anxiety, illness, grief, fears and other things life throws at us not be talked about? I don't know about you but I really respect people that talk up about the real shit, that don't pussy foot around subjects because they may not be seen as attractive, or be seen as pretty and lady-like. It is what it is and I get messages from people asking me to write about things that are on a more personal level, because it gives people that small amount of comfort that they're not alone, they're not the only ones on the planet dealing with some difficult things and I think its now time, in this century that people should speak up, especially for those that want to hear. And if you don't want to listen/watch/read people talking about the not so lovely things then you don't have to read into it, you can just ignore these posts and the videos you see on YouTube. But I think its really great that there is something there that people can watch or read or listen to.
After all, its a big world and there's a lot of us in it.
A handful of people know, or even people that have heard the story of why I'm back in England and left Australia know that I've been having some anxiety stuff going. Its all pretty new to me although I know its definitely been there in the background of my life for a while.
Lets talk about the panic attacks for a moment.. Now if you've ever experienced this feeling to whatever extent then you know what I mean when I say that it is absolutely terrifying. From what I've read, people get them in different levels and some more often or hardly ever. No matter what your anxiety attacks are like, they are all awful and horrible and very scary.
I know exactly when I feel mine coming on. Firstly my heart will race like a bloody African drum in my chest, like its about to pop out at any second. Then I will go cold, and then hot and then I will start to shiver, which turns into shaking and trembling. My eyes start to blur and my hearing will go cloudy. My hands will tingle, my face will go numb and then I wont feel my legs. Like that intense feeling you get when you have pins and needles. That awful cramp, it will start in my shins and move up to my thighs, my hips, my stomach will turn, it will feel like someones dropped a medicine ball onto my chest and I wont be able to breathe slowly and calmly. I tend to hyperventilate and feel like my lungs just wont fill with oxygen. The world around me will spin, my hands with cramp up and go stiff In all different shapes and angles and it looks like you're having some sort of fit or stroke. My face slants and I cant control my face or mouth and my whole entire body is still solid.
It is the scariest, most horrific thing I've experienced. The first time it happened was a few years ago, At first I thought it was like an asthma attack and I had some of my bosses inhaler. But it wasn't and I think I started the sensations that I just explained. I was taken by friends to a walk in clinic which then turned into an ambulance that came to the car park. That was the first time I heard "You're having a panic attack, breathe". The day after was the day I ended up in hospital with septic shock, so I think the panic attack was from me not feeling well and then things just got ugly.
The second time was when I was in Thailand, Now ever since I was a kid I suffered with problems with my stomach. I'm not going to go into detail about this subject as I feel that's a whole other blog post and there is already one about it in the post 'Backpacking With IBS' but my IBS plays a HUGE role with my anxiety stuff.
I've always panicked when I've been unwell, especially if I'm actually sick and I always end up freaking out so badly I have an anxiety attack and usually end up passing out. Bloody nightmare.
And then the week before I flew home from Australia is when the attacks just kept coming and It was just the worst week ever. Thankfully I've not had a bad attack since being home but I've still had attacks every now and then.
On a more personal level, my anxiety has definitely been part of everyday for about the past six weeks which has to do with the fact that I've recently been through a break up and the emotion from that really set me off. Even a month on I wake up without fail every single morning with a sheer panic sensation and it often wakes me up at the crack of dawn, and I have to talk myself out of it and distract myself in my phone for a little while.
Since writing about anxiety and IBS its amazing the amount of people you know and know of that come forward to express how much just reading about someone else having the same or similar shit going on really makes them feel less alone is exactly why I write about this sort of thing. Its terrifying the whole concept of not always being fully in control on your mind and body. I mean how unfair, its my body I should be able to control it. But some things you cant help, and you just have to figure out how to live with them and make them part of your life but in a positive way. To learn from it, to look at anxiety in the face and be like "I aint scared of you, not today" and that's something I am working on. Trying to find ways to retrain my mind when I feel attacks coming on, and being honest about it. After all, millions of people right now are having panic attacks, IBS attacks and all sorts of issues. Instead of being afraid of it and ashamed, I think its so much more healthy to have it there available to read about.
So there's a little snippet of the other side to the (not so much now) "exciting" and busy lifestyle I've chosen to try and live. Sometimes its not all sunshine and rainbows, and that's totally ok.
Don't be ashamed of something you have no control over, You've got this... We've got this.
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