Living With Grief

 A glance at the past

Eight years ago today I lost someone who was meant to be there a lot longer than he was.
I was 14, that odd age when you think you've got the whole world sorted and when you think you know everything you need to know, when really you have no idea whats about to happen to you.
I lost my dad through illness that first started out from alcohol abuse. A strange subject that left a lot of strange weird feelings after he died. Feelings that I wasn't worth sticking around for, that I wasn't as important as a habbit was. But you don't understand things like that when you're a kid.
Me and my Dad were really close when I was young, he totally doted on me as a kid and we did so much together, holidays, days out, skiing, boating. We were like the pictures you see on fathers day cards. I had no idea that some day soon I'd loose this person that litterally thought the world of me.
I'm not going to go into too much detail but things soon got dark with new relationships on his side that was close to ruining this relationship that we once had. I was at that difficult age where I wanted to hang out with friends rather than go to my dads for the weekend but this was a lot more than that and In the end I ended up not speaking to him or seeing him for about 4 months or so before he died.

Mum got a phone call one day to come straight away to the hospital and that it was urgent. I remember her running across my school playground (I say running, she was in her work heels so it was more of a weird hobble and scuff) shouting my name and telling me we had to go. I was so embaressed infront of all my friends as it was at break time. She told me in the school office that it was Dad and we had to go quickly. Anyway when we got there he had already been sedated so he wasn't awake or anything, but apparently the last thing to go is your hearing and the doctors said that he should be able to hear me. It was so strange to see him with tubes all over his face and body and all these machines beeping so loud, to me it was deafening. I had no idea what was going on or what was wrong with him all I knew was it was something to do with alcohol and his liver not working. But I sat next to him, kinda freaked out because this was me dad, and he wasnt right. I didn't really know what to do or say so I just stared talking to him about school and what I had been doing in outdoor ed classes and telling him about this school trip to Africa and how I wanted to go travelling.

The next day was the same, but on the way to the hospital, mum had told me that today would probably be the last day for my dad and to hear that was very numbing. I don't think it ever did sink in after hearing that, even eight years on. At 2:22pm he slipped away holding my hand. The whole time I was in autopilot, didn't really cry much just starred. I got a chance to sit with him after it all happened behind the curtin with a nurse waiting outside. Its a very surreal thing, watching someone die, let alone someone so close to you and someone whos meant to be there to look after you. I said goodbyes to my family on my dads side that was there and went home. I was in a weird place for a good couple of weeks after it all happened. I had no time off school and didn't do anything different just carried on. I remember in french on the monday after it happend on the friday and my french teacher went around the class what everyone had got up to on the weekend. She got to me and I said that I had watched my dad die and everyone was horrified. I was totally normal about it which I think freaked everyone out a little bit.

Few weeks went passed and it started to hit home. I started getting upset and all the feeling came out in all different ways which was normal I guess. I rebelled  by dying my hair blue and wearing all sorts of vile clothes, and I mean horrible, bright green skinnies with one converse and one vans slip-on, four studded belts, bandanas and all sorts. ofcourse I thought I was cool. And it went on from there really. I was involved with an amazing charity called Winstons Wish who help bereaved children and teenagers. I met some great friends that I still talk to now and then and keep in touch with. Its amazing how something so simple as knowing someone else that has been through the same thing as a kid could have such a positive impact on how to deal with these odd feelings.


Loosing someone young is a difficult thing as it is when you're older aswell, but loosing a parent when you still need them is a hard thing to live with. You go through so many weird emotions, even years on. You get angry, sad, lonely, jealous of other families and your friends with their families, but you learn to live with it. I always say you never get over it, you just learn to live with it and you do. It forced me to grow up and for the better. Its also made me very weary of drinking which has done wonders im sure for my liver and bank account. Grief is a sad thing but its also has a positive effect on my relationship with my mum and sister. We now have all lost our dads (me and my sister have different dads) and their have all passed in sudden surcumstances which has brought us together as such a strong unit. This may all sound very sad and gloomy but its made me how I am. Its made my little family how we are and we wouldn't change it for the world.

Family is a really special thing, and life is very fragile.
Appriciate everything and everyone and do only what makes you happy :)



Laurie