I'd love to be one of these bloggers that can produce regular content but I find that quite difficult as the type of stuff I tend to write about it best written when I'm in a certain mind frame.
I get the urges to write at the most inconvenient times which usually if why there's sometimes a huge gap between posts.
Quite a lot has been going on since my last post which was about my wonderful trip to Iceland. For a quick update, I'm soon to be moving out again and to the next town up from my home town and into a house share with a couple of friends, I'm enjoying my job working with homeless and vulnerable people and I'm in a happy and fairly new relationship.
That's it in brief.
I've wanted to write a post of this subject for quite a long time now. I've had the title name set in stone for a good few months, just I've never been in an appropriate blogging space with the appropriate mind set to write in.
Having an outgoing, bubbly personality with an anxious mind is how I describe myself. I've always been outgoing and down to earth and a pretty open person, I'm not afraid to go and make friends and talk to people, I'm always up for packing a bag and exploring another part of the world and always just up for being busy and doing fun crazy things.. I just worry about it.
When I'm in this state of mind it is literally exhausting. I've touch on this type of subject in a few posts now, about the physical effects and how recently anxiety has shaped some desicions about my current lifestyle and everything, but this is kind of different.
If some friends and people I know find out that I'm an anxious person and that I have panic attacks they're usually quite shocked. "But you've travelled the world" "but you're so bubbly" "nothing seems to phase you"
I can assure you now it bloody does.
It's a new thing for me. Fairly new, it was actually only diagnosed a year ago, but I've always known I "worried too much". It was a weird day being told that there's a reason why I'd freak out at stupid things. I was relieved that there was a reason and also scared there was a reason. I just though I was highly annoying and ridiculous.
Being anxious and having a usually very motivated and spontaneous mind is so draining. When I feel anxious, like now as I'm currently sat on my bathroom floor in a flood of tears because I'm so frustrated with myself at being on the very edge of a panic attack FOR NO REASON.
I am constantly talking myself down in my head and telling myself to "calm the f#*k down, youbare absolutely fine". It makes me feel like I'm not me, and it's terrifying.
Last year for the first time I asked for help. I went through my doctor to set up CBT (cognative behavioural therapy) which is a type of therapy counselling that helps you retrain your brain for coping methods. And I got off the waiting list and then I chickened out because for a few weeks I felt fine, no anxiety at all! And wrongly thought I was magically cured and totally fine. Wrong. So I'm back again because I had another blip and gathered the courage and said to myself that I deserve to get some help because it might not be there all the time but it's still there.
So I'm back on the waiting list.
The hardest part for me is feeling like I'm a burden for the people around me. My close friends that I talk to on daily basis'. My boyfriend who is a really great support because he himself has such a positive mindset and even just hearing the words "you're okay, you've got this" is all I need most of the time. My friends also, they always give me the time of day if I open up and when someone asks me how I'm doing, I actually say "well actually I'm really struggling today".
I have no idea what my triggers are half the time. The stupidest thing will set me off like.. change, something happening that needs to be organised, someone not messaging me back and automatically my brain goes into over drive and thinks something is really wrong like they hate you or are mad at your or has died. How ridiculous! I say it's ridiculous but it's true and I'm sure other people that might read this and also have anxiety can vouch for me on silly triggers. At the time though, not so silly.
It's exhausting, the last year I feel like I've grown as a person so much, learning to love myself and kind of for the first time understanding what I'm all about and feeling comfortable in my skin and person and I'm now around people that enhanced that which is amazing and I'm so happy.
But this anxious part of my mind is still a part of me and that's the part I'm finding hard to accept.
My job is a lot of the time, talking to people who mostly have some sort of mental health diagnosis and I really do listen to myself at work and try my absolute hardest to take my own advise. It's just a lot easier said than done.
I've got to understand and accept that anxiety doesn't define your personality. It is just a part of you and the way your life has been shaped and pulses since you were a kid can have a huge effect on how you see the world.
We all have our own window to the world.
I've been sat here over half an hour writing this and I'm totally meant to be getting ready for work so I should probably wrap it up.
Have a fabulous day.
<3
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