We all get them, guys, girls, parents, grandparents and even children.
For as long as I can remember I have had some sort of issue with my body, and that's a long time. I'm 22 now and I remember I was around 9 when I first started becoming insecure about my body.
I was in year 5 and we were doing a topic in school on the body and I remember we had to weigh ourselves Infront of everyone in the class. The other girls in my class were tiny, and I knew I was bigger than them but it started to get in my head when I stepped on the scales and saw I was about 7.5 stone and all the other girls in my class were lighter than me.
My dad always told me as a kid that I had his genes and that I was never going to be little and I was going to be big and strong like he was ( baring in mind he was an 18st ex England rugby prop) and from a kid I thought I was destined to be "big". I remember when I was about 11/12 and it was summer and I was at my dad's and we were about to go out on his boat fishing, it was a hot day and I remember as I got dressed that day that I didn't want to put my shorts on as I thought my legs were too big so I wore jeans. Growing up I was quite chunky (size 12 at the age of 12) and I soon lost the "puppy fat" when I was about 13.
I wasn't very confident growing up as for a while when I was young I wore an eyepatch and up until I was about 12 I wore glasses. I used to get called four eyes and thunder thighs at times but nothing major just kids teasing, but every name stuck in my head.
I'm 22 now and since leaving school I have noticed an increased feeling of body insecurities eventhough my body hasn't really changed much since I left school.
I usually wear a size 10 on top (sometimes a 12) because I do have quite a small waist and my boobs haven't grown since I was about 13 and a size 14 on my bottom half because of my bum and my chunky legs. I've always been quite small with a relatively flat-ish tummy from years of horse riding but big legs and bum, again from riding. Buying a fitted dress is a nightmare for me, it's either baggy on my boobs and waist or I can't squeeze my bum and legs into it.
I'm forever comparing myself to pretty much every single female in the street and it's exhausting on my self esteem, especially here in Australia where everyone is slim and tanned and wearing next to nothing. A lot of my clothes are black mainly because black is meant to be slimming and I get weary or wearing a lot of colour. I struggle wearing vests and shorts (which wearing both together has been a big step for me here) because I hate my legs and i think my arms are big. It almost feels as if it is the main thing that is in my head ruling my little world and it shouldn't be that way and it really upsets me.
It's sad but the only times I remember feeling almost a little body confident is when I've been through a break up and not been eating properly or when I was really unwell in hospital last year when I couldn't eat properly for a short while.
An example of this feeling was something that happened today..
I was at a theme park with my boyfriend and i decided to sit as straddle a crocodile (a fake one don't worry!) for a photo and ended up splitting my hippy trousers I had on. So I went to a shop there that sold some roxy clothes and everything was either shorts or dresses. I finally found a dress I liked (again black) although I didn't really like what I looked in it but it was in the sale so I wore it the rest of the day and it totally ruined my day because I was so hung up on how I looked in this dress no matter what my friend or boyfriend said about how nice it looked. I ended up crying in the changing room on my boyfriend because I hated what I saw and my mood for the rest of the day was altered. Which I know deep down is stupid and I hate that I say how curves are better and how you should love your body and I never take my own bloody advice.
Working out feels good but there's always that insecure feeling that what if I look too big to work out or if people will laugh if they see me running out and about.
Even writing this I know it sounds a bit ridiculous but this is what goes through my head. Despite my boyfriend telling me I'm beautiful and my body is great everyday there's always something bothering me about my body at that moment.
A lot of people who know me probably don't think I think like this because I usually come across so head strong and confident with my feathers in my hair and quirky hippy pants but here it is, all as it sounds.
I think that I like to have feathers and braids in my hair and quirky clothes not just because I love them and I've always had a slightly unique style, but because if people see feathers in my hair and stuff, it takes the attention away from what my body looks like if that makes sense.
Writing this doesn't make me feel better about my body and the way I look in certain clothes but it's a little release and hopefully if anyone who reads I has a similar feelin towards themselves can feel a little less alone really and that we are the only ones who can change the way we feel and some days are good days and some are shitty ones. Friends tell me how nice my bum is and how I have a good figure but I never see the good in what i do have. I plan to get into a routine when we start this new job next week with starting up jogging, along side horse riding and bike riding to work and back everyday and cooking fresh healthy meals. And hopefully some day soon I'll start to feel more comfortable in my own skin and I hope that anyone out there reading this post who can empathise will be able to do the same or atleast feel a little less alone reading this post.
:)
(Photos are not mine by the way)
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