Well I've been lucky I guess, I mean I've never had a "decent paid job" or anything that I've had to give up to have the life that I've chosen over the past six years. My work has mostly been seasonal jobs living on an activities centre or camp where my accommodation and food was included in my wage and therefore didn't really have much to worry about when pay day came and just put away the majority of my pay slip each month. That made saving a lot easier than if I was still living at home and had to commute to work or spend money when socialising with friends and stuff.
But there has been some things that I've not got round to doing because I put travelling at the top of my priority list like, learning to drive or getting my own place or even a house share where I wasn't living under my mums roof and some relationships ended up not working because of the lifestyle I wanted. That was ok though, I wouldn't have changed a thing because I really am grateful to have the memories I have from it.
Although the jet-set life is something a lot of people want, sometimes it can grate on you. It can have an effect on your health and wellbeing (and also your bank balance, funnily enough). This is what happened to me unfortunately.
I thought that I would always be able to be on the go 24/7 and I didn't even really think what effects it could have. Until a little into my time in Australia when I ended up working in the beautiful outback on a cattle station, far from any civilisation and bustling lifestyle. It was such an experience, hard work but really eye opening. A few posts down on this blog I wrote about what its like to be backpacking with IBS. Now, IBS for those that haven't read the post or don't know what it is, its a really sucky condition in your tummy that makes life a little difficult and a little bit horrible. Its like having a really over sensitive gut that hates pretty much everything you eat or feel, and what I mean but 'feel' is that my IBS is strongly linked to the way my brain works. My IBS is linked to my emotions, like when you're nervous you sometimes feel sick or if you're sad you get really bad cramps and so on. IBS can give you a really upset digestive system in different ways.
So going back to the Outback stuff, I ended up having IBS attacks daily for pretty much the whole 2.5 months I was there. Now when I have an IBS attack I feel like there's this demon inside trying to rip its way out, I feel so much pain I cant move sometimes, and then all hell breaks loose and I'm not going to go into detail because I'd hate to feel like I've just ruined someone's lunch or something. But basically I'm stuck in the bathroom for a long time feeling very sorry for myself and also hating my body that it chooses to do this to me. Then I would panic. I've always really worked myself up over being unwell, if I was ever sick my mum would have to sit with my because I would work myself up to the point where I would pass out. I realised that these attacks were probably happening because I was slightly out of my comfort zone, and I was worrying although I didn't really notice feeling worried. I guess I was worried about the fact that if I was feeling really unwell that I wouldn't be able to find a loo in the middle of the bush within the hundreds of cattle and red dirt.
What I've learnt with my IBS is that my attacks come on when I'm feeling uneasy which is usually due to my environment and the worry of having an attack in public or away from my "home" which then brings on the attack.. see my problem?
This whole thing became a real big problem when I went backpacking around Thailand and Cambodia for three months at the end of last year. Obviously, Asia is a little different to England or Australia. The food, the weather, the language and lifestyle were all worlds away from what I was used to. Without having IBS this wouldn't have been an issue at all, I love the feeling of somewhere completely different which is why I fell in love with South Africa so much.
Things started to get difficult when I noticed that I was having attacks pretty much daily and they became unbearable on the days where I had to get a coach or a ferry or if there was a day trip or tour that was happening that day. For anyone that's been to Asia you'll agree with me that the toilets are a little different. Very lucky if you get any loo roll, even luckier if you get an actual toilet and not a squat hole. Ladies, practise makes perfect, almost.
The worrying about my stomach got pretty bad, I was constantly on edge, anxious and panicky if I felt the serge of pain when I was around people or away from my hostel. It got so bad that one day I ended up having a severe panic attack at a ferry port in Koh Samui that literally happened because of an IBS attack where my symptoms that usually would go away or calm down a lot when I was distracted and out and about didn't actually ease and I ended up getting a little upset and then a full blown panic attack happened. It was horrific, it looked like I was having a stroke. My whole body went rock solid, y hands and fingers were all bent in weird angles and my face went completely numb where I could even get my words out. It was so embarrassing being around so many people that didn't know what was going on and they were all staring and looking at me and wandering what the hell was going on. Callum, my boyfriend who was with me started to get really worried and a lovely English woman must have seen me and she came and sat by my side a spoke to me and tried to calm me down whilst Callum went to get me some water and a pillow. She wasn't a nurse or anything but she seemed to know what was happening and she was very calm and comforting while an ambulance was called. She fed me water because my body just didn't work and kept me cool and tried to slow my breathing down whilst Callum had to move our rucksacks to a safe place at the ferry port.
I was rushed to hospital in Thailand's version of an ambulance which was just a pick - up truck with a little dome on the back where my back board was just put on the floor and the medic was sat on the wheel arch doing all the tests until we got to the hospital.
A couple long stories short I was diagnosed with Hyperventilation Syndrome and was given a shot and 10 tablets of Valium. I was out within an hour and a half once my body was pretty much back to normal (plus high as a kite and drowsy as hell). I ended up going back to the ferry port and onto the next ferry to Koh Pangnan.
Anyway, we got back into Australia after Asia which despite all that drama it was beautiful and incredible. Settled back into work and started to save for the next place which was going to be New Zealand.
I started to feel not right. I wasn't 100% happy and content. I didn't want to be where I was, and I just started to not enjoy my job anymore. I ended up getting upset over nothing, stressed out at the smallest things and to the point where I just couldn't handle little hiccups that occurred. I got fed up with living in temp accommodation and hostels and not feeling like I had my own little space. Friends that were there encouraged me to maybe seek help and find out what was going on and why I was feeling like this and to try and get some answers or some medication for my IBS.
After probably a good few weeks I finally plucked up the courage to see a doctor, one that a colleague told me to go and see.
I made an appointment, I went in and just broke down in front of the doctor before I could explain why I was there, slightly embarrassing. Through the sobbing I explained everything I was feeling and what had been going on with my IBS and everything and I was then diagnosed with a moderate to severe anxiety and a severe case of IBS when it was at its worst.
Now, I've always been emotional and I've always been a worrier, I just thought that was my personality, so it was odd having a diagnosis. I didn't really know how to feel, I felt slightly relieved that there was a reason why I was feeling the way I was but then I was also a little scared.
The doctor put me on medication to try and help with the anxiety in hope that it would also settle my IBS too as the medication he put me on had been proven in some cases to help patients with IBS who didn't have any anxiety problems with it and as I was only planning on being in Australia for a couple more months or so, this was probably the best option.
Turns out these meds really screwed me up. I was told that the side effects weren't hectic and that I'd maybe feel a little nauseous. Well, I actually felt awful, I looked up the side effects online which I was told not to do and I experienced them all. From the shakes, feeling like I had the flu, seeing flashes, insomnia, couldn't sit still, I was being sick constantly, kept crying, felt dizzy, heart racing. And then the panic attacks came on, like the one in Thailand but worse and at one point I had 8 attacks in a row. I was exhausted, scared and in a right mess. I went to hospital 3 times in 2 days and I was seen by a number of doctors which resulted in being told that the side effects I was feeling wasn't normal to the extent I was having and I was told not to carry on with them. I was only on half a tablet for that first week but I managed 3 half tablets. Its crazy that a tiny little dot of compressed powder can mess with you that much.
After a week of hardly eating or sleeping, having no voice from constantly throwing up and not working, it was decided that it was time to come home for a while.
A flight was booked and five days later we would be leaving Australia and heading back home to England. For me that was a red flag in my head saying "You've given up your travel life" and I felt like I had failed. But then I was really excited to come home, to see my family and to have a real home and to spend time with my friends. Callum went up north to his for 9 days before moving down south with me.
Its been a little over 3 weeks since coming home and I've not had itchy feet to leave yet. I managed to be able to sleep without a hypnosis app on my phone, I started Pilates and saw friends that I'd not seen in years, got to hug and play with my 5 month old nephew and live at home again. I've just got a really exciting job for the summer, something I really want to hopefully do for a job longer than just the summer and I have a recruitment group interview with Lush Cosmetics which is somewhere else I'm interested in working with.
Sometimes you need that break from a life that a lot of people envy. Sometimes you need to come home for a while and re-charge. There was no point in pushing so hard to try and get to New Zealand id I was just wearing myself out and getting sick. I still have places on my list that I will someday see but right now I'm focussing on me and my health and well-being. I want to get the most I can out of the rest of my future travels.
Until then, I'll be sticking around England for a little while. Amd I think I'm ok with that.
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